Hello World! A bit of a disclaimer; this is going to be one of my more "philosophical" and personal posts. If you're not all that enthralled by such types of content, just hang tight. Tomorrow I'm back to beauty, sharing my thoughts on a new foundation I've been using. Or maybe a FOTD? Haven't done one of those in a while!
I'm writing to you from the white, IKEA couch in our dimly lit office. Spencer is still working, he won't be home until much later. I've been alone, all day. For the first time, in a long time, it didn't feel like such a bad thing to be alone. Maybe, I needed it. Today was a solemn day, marking the third year that I've been without my Dad. I wish I could say I didn't remember 2011's November 25th all that well, unfortunately, I can vividly recount every second leading up to 10pm; the most life-changing hour of my existence thus far. The human mind is funny in this way. I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday (lucky for me I took a picture for my blog post, haha!) and yet I can't shake the whole evening I'm willing to forget.
Last night I put together a Spotify playlist full of 70's songs, plenty of ABBA and Queen (my Dad's favorites). Today, I haven't listened to anything but that playlist. It was certainly fun transporting myself back to 1970 and onward, and felt like a great way to pay homage to a wonderful man who grew up listening to those very tracks. I spent some time sifting through Pinterest and Tumblr, also keeping with the 70's theme. I looked through old family photos while Carly Simon went on about how vain this Mystery Man is. While grocery shopping I lingered a little longer in the produce to watch as families fought over what needed to be done for Thanksgiving, which is just two days away for the United States! I spent the afternoon studying people outside my window, and thought of how different my life was just three years ago!
My Dad and I were close, but not. My mom says that we were so similar in every aspect that it was what drove us mad. We would see eye-to-eye on nothing, and everything. It was certainly one of the most ironic relationships I've ever held with another person. I miss it every single day. I'll think of my Dad all the time; not to cry or mourn, but to wonder what life would be like if he hadn't had to leave at 10pm that November night.
I had never been afraid of death. I mean, I never wanted to die; I have said I've wanted to, but never truly meant it. Life is such a gift and it wasn't until my Dad's ended that I realized this. I had always accepted that the deaths of my Grandparents were just what happened in life. I was younger, less understanding, perhaps, that death was real for more than just Grandmothers and Grandfathers. Nothing could have shocked me harder than having my Dad taken away. I cannot explain with words how big of a slap in the face that moment was for me. I now hold onto life with the tightest grasp. I pray every morning, when Spencer leaves, that he returns to me each evening. I ask God to keep my family safe, and ask that He allow me much more time with them than He did with my Dad. I think it is impossible now for me to take life (and the people in it) for granted.
Even before November 25th, 2011, I was a fan of Jack Dawson's life-philosophy which he shared during the first-class dinner scene of the movie Titanic. (If you are unfamiliar with this I have quoted him below.) Now, more than ever, do these words hold such meaning to me. I hope that everyone can learn how precious of a gift life is, without having to lose someone as I did. Tonight, give a loved one a tight hug. Call your mom or dad, thank God for such a beautiful day, and don't wait for tomorrow to be handed to you. Make the most of your time on earth, spread kindness and positivity. You never know when your time, or someone else's, is up.
"I mean, got everything I need right here with me. Got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's going to happen, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up." ... "I figure life's a gift, and I don't intend on wasting it. You never know what kind of hand you're going to get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you." ... "To make each day count." -Jack Dawson, Titanic.
Labels: life, Lifestyle, realtalk